When it comes to relationships, I forgive far too easily, and my mood and happiness are easily influenced by those around me. All of these traits are okay in a good relationship. But in a bad one, it’s so easy to lose yourself. I asked my fiancé Matt for his opinions on the biggest signs you need to break up and I put together our combined list for anyone who might be having doubts.
In my previous relationship, I was constantly looking for the signs to break up. I was desperate to hear or read something that would be a clear defining moment that I needed to let go and move on. Constantly looking for a sign should have been a sign in and of itself, but hindsight is 20/20 right? If you’re looking for the sign, this is it.
1. Shutting out family and friends
I am close with my family and friends and I didn’t shut them out of my life, just my relationship. I stopped confiding in them about my relationship problems because I was embarrassed about what I was putting up with and I already knew the advice they would give. When I would inevitably “forgive” the terrible thing, my friends and family wouldn’t… and rightfully so. I didn’t need them to know any more about our dirty laundry. Again, in hindsight this is CLEAR writing on the wall. If you are doing this, break up. I wholeheartedly believe that shutting out this part of my life to the people closest to me led me to staying in the relationship far longer than I should have.
2. The big moments
Are holidays being ruined by an argument? When you think back to a family cookout or your birthday, do you instantly think of the terrible memory of a fight instead of an evening that was supposed to be fun? So many events were tainted during that time in my life. Girl if this is the case, this is your sign to get out of the relationship. Life is short and you’re wasting away what could be amazing memories by staying unhappy.
There came a point when I had nothing good to say. I couldn’t buy a birthday card or write something sweet on Facebook because I no longer admired anything about him. This may be extreme for some relationships, but if you’ve been there, you know exactly what I am talking about. Right now, I could write you a list a mile long about all the wonderful things about Matt. Things that have nothing to do with the relationship, but simply traits and qualities about him that I admire. It sounds silly but when we first got together, I felt like every dang country love song could be our song because all the sweet things applied to him. Make sure you admire who you’re spending all of your time with.
4. The future
This may seem obvious but when you’re in a relationship (even a bad one) you can be blinded. So, let’s say you’re not in a toxic/terrible relationship but one that you are still having doubts about. At some point there comes a time when you have to think, “I should know by now.” I can’t claim what that exact time frame is because it’s different for everyone but personally, I think within a year or two you should have a pretty good idea/feel confident that you’re going to marry that person (if that’s your end goal of course.) Matt dated someone for 3 years and he still felt unsure if she was the one. He said something was missing and felt like he “should know by now.” You should see a future with them, that’s obvious. But in that future you’re imagining, you need to be truly happy… not settling.
Obvious, right? Here’s the difference… they could have never done anything shady. Never given you a tangible reason not to trust them, yet you still have this desire to check their phone or their social media. If they’ve never done anything “wrong” that you know of, then why do you feel that like? Things they do and say and the way they treat you make you insecure and therefore you question their trust.
I checked my exes’ phone, I admit it. What reason did I have to snoop besides a nagging feeling? I truly thought every relationship feels like this at some point and I was just being crazy. If you feel like this, even if you’ve never actually snooped, GET OUT. This is one of the biggest signs you need to break up. I have never once even had the slightest urge to check Matt’s phone. He’s never given me a reason to, but more importantly, he shows his respect and loyalty every day. And that assurance is priceless.
6. Life isn’t supposed to be this hard:
I can’t even count how many times I said this to myself back then. I am not going to pretend relationships are easy, they’re not. But every day should not be a battle. Your person should not emotionally drain you. When life is hard, that person should be the light. When you do inevitably get in to arguments, they shouldn’t be tearing you apart. Life is too short to stress and cry that much girl, please take my word on this.
There are tons of different signs that you need to break up, but these were the biggest and most important ones to me (& Matt!) If you’re reading this and it applies to you, I’m sorry. I know it’s hard, but you will be okay. Your instinct is right. Your doubts are real. And you’re making the right decision